Tune Your Gaydar

Can we talk a bit about the homothugs?

Shawty wanna thug...

So Saturday night I was out at this bar in the East Village celebrating a friend's birthday. If you don't know NYC, you may not know that the East Village is not necessarily where the folks who live in Harlem hang out. This particular bar was fascinating because every half hour the vibe kept changing. When we first got there it seemed like everyone was really tall. Like, is it tall night at the bar? And then it was kinda Euro, then it was a bunch of models, then it was other things. So it was a bit of a shape shifter. That is one of the coolest things about NY.

www.keybar.com

The most fascinating vibe running through there was evidenced by these two big brothers sucking face at the bar. Openly. Right at the end right there where you see the picture of the lit matches in the photo above. Now this is totally fine with me but these dudes didn't look like they would be doing that at home. Like, back uptown in the Bronx or Harlem home or out in Brooklyn or Queens home. One of them was this hard looking bald guy with a mink jacket and big diamond earrings. Not in like a fabulous snap snap RuPaul gay way but in a drug dealer on the corner pushing the Range Rover with the dope rims kind of way. His boyfriend, who was actually much bigger but clearly the more submissive of the two based on their body language and the way Thug Life had his hand around his neck, was equally intimidating and um....butch. Yeah. Butch is the word I guess. Anyway I'd bet my bonus they both have women at home. Sike I'm playin, this is a recession! I'm putting that check underneath the mattress, I may never get another the way they're talking in Washington! Why My Boo (=Obama) gotta play me like that? But I digress.

You better work!

So there was this little room in the back of the bar where they and their friends had posted up. For the next couple of hours they and a few other thuggish looking brothers passed in and out of the spot along with several other folks who looked pretty interesting. I had a little fun trying to call top vs bottom. Then they dissipated and I personally dissipated too because I just can't pull ragers like I used to. In fact the whole next day was a wrap, didn't nothin get done. *sigh*

Back to the homothug thing...there are openly gay homo thugs like my hairdresser. He's actually not a thug at all but he wears a lot of urban wear like Enyce and baseball caps and whatnot and is very much a top. His boyfriend is very flamboyant, kinda pretty and model-like. In fact his boyfriend is fine in that, "Damn! Why he gotta be gay?" kind of way. Has this sort of odd energy and appeal like Gene Anthony Ray, très sexy. I knew my hairdresser was gay right away but everyone who meets him apparently doesn't. That's because I have the rugged gaydar skills. But he's out anyway, because he's a real man and not a punk. Plus I guess being a hairdresser it's a bit easier to be out at work.

Remember Leroy?

Then there are the homo thugs (and of course this isn't limited to men of color - think of Governor McGreevey and that preacher out in the middle of the country somewhere who was on that HBO documentary about Jesus right before he got busted) who are MSM - men who have s@x with men - but won't admit they're gay, and they're responsible for spreading these deadly cooties to sisters. I won't preach because I want to keep it light, but let's review some warning signs because who needs those kind of problems? It's time to tune your gaydar ladies!!!! Here are some signs your man may be gay whether he is thugged out or not, or brown, yellow, Puerto Rican or Haitian. Or white:

1) He's real extra homophobic. "The lady doth protest too much, methinks." - from Hamlet by William Shakespeare

2) He has a strong opinion about what you wear, or likes to shop for your clothes. Or he wants to decorate the crib and does a better job than you. Or he knows how to properly wrap gifts and the etiquette around giving them.

3) He has secretive phone conversations or late night texts and you pick up the phone to listen or check his texts or whatever your surveillance method is, and the person on the other end is a dude.

4) He knows the lyrics to the new Beyoncé joint. Or in extreme cases, Britney.

5) If you live in NY, and he's a r&b/hip hop type of brother, he likes to hang out in the East Village. In Miami this would be Club Boi...but I think the cat is outta the bag with that one by now. Anyway they post candid crowd shots on their website so check it out if you're suspicious at www.clubboi.com. Or a Flex club in Atlanta, LA, Cleveland, Columbus, New Orleans, Phoenix or Miami. For more info see www.flexbaths.com. Or in Oakland, Cabel's Reef or Rimshot.

6) He gets in arguments with and stops speaking to his friends sometimes. This is extraordinarily gay behavior in a man implying an intimacy with said friends that he ought to only share with you and his female side piece.

7) He spends more time getting ready to go out with his boys than he does when he's taking you out. And sometimes smells of cologne or after shave that he doesn't own.

8) He only gets excited about relations with you when something really über freaky is involved, otherwise he may not show up for the game. And blames you for it.

9) He has spent a significant amount of time in jail and keeps in touch with his former fellow inmates. Probably a good idea to avoid dating ex cons generally, if you can help it.

10) You feel it in your gut.

I couldn't list all the signs here but you get my drift. If you can think of more add a comment below. No one is served by any woman staying with some dude who's in the closet. What can we do about it? Let's make it ok for the men in our families to be gay and maybe we can coax these brothers out of the closet. It'll be better for everybody. Ok, soap box moment over.

By the way, when Thug Life stepped out of the bar for the last time he checked me out hard including eye contact. For real y'all. Now that's just greedy.