Datin' Ballers

I'm not the groupie type in any way shape or form. Not physically, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, psychologically, philosophically - you get the point. But I can't help but tell this tale of my brush with the lifestyle because it was just too funny. During this brush I did have a moment where I considered getting a good weave, some contacts and some enhancements to gain entree into the world. Sike I'm just playin', I NEVER would sign up for that life if I had to wear all that fake mess. But if I could get it naturally...who knows?

So back in the day I had to go on this business trip to Orlando and a friend of mine happened to be there on business too. I went a day early to have dinner with her and a slumber party in her hotel. After dropping my stuff off we were waiting for the valet to bring the car around to go out and this hot guy struck up a conversation with me. He was cute and about 6'1", so I had no idea that he was a ball player at first. Turns out his team was in town to play the Orlando Magic and he was just out and about. I must say, the confidence that comes with playing in the NBA is quite attractive - he just walked up to both of us like, "what y'all doin'" and totally met us at the wine bar where we told him we'd be like ten minutes later. Just invited himself along as though he was always welcome and made himself right at home with us.

The three of us each had a glass of wine and like, a slice of pizza at the wine bar and at the end he put 20 bux down on something like a 30 or 40 bux check. I thought that was interesting, and respected that he wasn't trying to throw his money around like a big man on campus. Today I probably would not feel the same about that though. He was sooooo smart and charming and cute! At this point he had been in the NBA over 10 years and had been a solid player but plagued by injuries. So, even though he had his own character in a big time video game, he hadn't reached Charles Barkley or Michael Jordan status or anything like that. I kind of liked this about him, because he had a humility that went with all the cockiness. Of course he had a kid but he was single, and I found myself having a little fantasy about what could be. Could I be a baller's wife? Would I fit into his world? What would his kid think of me? 

I was so dumb.

So anyway we all went back to the hotel and the three of us were in the elevator:

Baller: What floor are you guys on?

Friend: 12.

Baller: I'm on 9.

Me: Cool.

Baller: I should probably walk you guys to your room so you get there safely.

Me: Good idea.

Friend: [eyes rolling]

We arrived back at the room and my friend proceeded to take off her makeup and put on her pjs in the bathroom. The Baller and I chatted in the bedroom, with him sprawled casually across one of the beds. I was intrigued but not overly tempted. After all, everyone knows ballers have cooties and they don't call the next day. You either get pregnant or don't give it up. I was young but not that naive.

Baller: So how long are you in town?

Me: About three days. What about you?

Baller: We leave tomorrow after the game.

Me: Cool.

[awkward silence]

Me: I want some chocolate, I wonder if the mini bar has any Snickers.

Baller: You don't need a Snickers, you got all this fine chocolate right here.

HA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I don't know what possessed me to say that about chocolate. Back in the day I used to have a lot of trouble with my mouth filter and things came straight out of my brain through my lips unchecked. It occasionally still happens and when it does, it's always the most mundane or bizarre random thought that has popped into my head involuntarily. For some reason the awkward silence with the Baller made my mind wander and I got hungry for a Snickers. Go figure.

But really what's funny here is clearly his response. And the fact that he thought I would hook up with him that night! Like go upstairs to his room with him and get busy. AS IF! 

Me: Sorry buddy, I'm not that kind of girl, and it's late. 

Baller: Really?

Me: Yeah, but I'd love to talk to you again.

So we exchanged numbers, he left, and I thought that may be it. But it wasn't. I called him a few days before his next team game in my home town, a couple weeks later, and do you know he called me back FROM THE TEAM PLANE?!?!?! Now I was starstruck and ready to go along with his program.

I picked him up from his hotel in my very uncool American made sedan style automatic transmission company car. Hey, it was free! I sold my sleek stick shift ride when I got that gig. If I had true groupie instincts I would have rented something hot and told him mine was in the shop. I took him to a poetry reading (they were very en vogue at the time) and to a club afterwards. At the poetry reading we shared a plate of wings and he preferred the flat part while I like the drumstick part. It was a match made in heaven.

Baller also brought out the naughty girl in me. He encouraged me to park the aforementioned uncool car in the ALLEY! And he decided in the middle of the date he didn't like his outfit so we went shopping and he changed clothes. When he stripped in the dressing room I almost fainted. Rays of light emanated from his biceps and his washboard abs. In fact, typing this all these years later, my heart skips thinking about that moment.

 

When we walked up to the door of the club the girl at the velvet rope immediately let us through and whispered in my ear, "You go girl." WTF??? And we went immediately up to the VIP area where I clearly stuck out like a sore thumb. I was so NOT ready for the big time. I was wearing Gap jeans and some Nine West shoes and carrying a cheap bag. *sigh*

You see, this is before I discovered Seven for All Mankind (and other even more serious designer jeans) and the wonders they do for the bootie. In fact I was in the dark about lots of things. I had very recently ended a really long, serious relationship and I was still frumpy and dumpy the way you sometimes get when you've been boo'd up for several years. I needed a makeover something awful so really it's a miracle this guy even took a look. 

Anyway he lost interest when I wouldn't give him any and I mentioned one too many times how he probably had lots of girls, being in the NBA. Or maybe because I was a corny ass bama? It's possible he may have sincerely wanted to get to know me. Eh, probably not. He retired not long thereafter and I am sure, lives in some big house someplace warm with a savvy woman curled up by his side every night. But I get to live my fabulous life too, and I don't worry about any groupies trying to take my man. So it all worked out!