Disclaimer: I am going on day 30something without my TV and my ice maker doesn't work. Anyone who knows me well understands this is a lethal combination. I'm on the warpath and good luck to whoever gets in my way.
Ok...what pisses me off???
1) Moving companies. When the moving company says it's going to take 3 hours to move you out of your 535 square foot one bedroom apartment that's already been purged/plucked clean like Pamela Anderson's eyebrows, don't believe them. It'll take 4 1/2 even though they already came over and saw all your stuff and did an estimate and know exactly how long it should take. Not saying they wasted a single moment, but then again, they were an hour late getting started. Which brings me to my next pet peeve...
2) Airline gate and baggage agents. Perhaps I did show up 35 minutes before my flight with five suitcases but you could have a) let me on the flight anyway with the bags and/or b) not charged me $350 in excess baggage fees. It wasn't my fault! (see #1). Hook a sistah up! Delta Airlines, you're on thin ice boo, especially since you have no direct flights anywhere from Miami except for NYC.
3) Car rental companies. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT, act like you're giving me a free upgrade and flirt with me with your short self and crooked little teeth then stick me with the rental that smells like hot wet piss at 1am when I'm too tired to go back in there and fuss. DO NOT. Avis...it's lights out for you.
4) LA drivers. Do people in Los Angeles not see the lines in the road indicating the division between lanes? Just curious.
5) Airline gate agents. Again you power hungry little minions, don't get an attitude that I missed my flight due to a tight connection and mother nature calling! At least be compassionate and don't roll your eyes and yell at me like it's my fault. And then, don't put me in a hotel with ROACHES named RODNEY who are friendly and want to hang out on the nightstand and talk all night. Boo hiss. Delta Airlines, see above. But thank you for not losing my bags.
6) Miami realtors. If the apartment has carpet say so. Don't waste my time. And who puts carpet in a new apartment in Miami anyway? Ya cheap bastard...even Don Bailey focuses on Wood. Laminate. Tile.
7) Mosquitoes. Do I have "BITE ME" written on my legs? I just may die of West Nile Virus.
I feel like a fairy in Bontemps.
8) "Contractors". Some short cocky obnoxious and totally 100% inappropriate jack leg buster responsible for painting my apartment and doing minor repairs took a leisurely five days extra to do so because he's so busy finishing build-outs at The Marquis blah blah blah (guess I'm supposed to be impressed), causing me a huge pain in the arse and lots of extra gas money (not a game at $4/gallon) while depriving me of the use of my apartment for several days after my lease had already started.
What's with me coming home at 6pm to find you chillin' playing music on my Bose speakers talking about "I hope you don't mind". No I don't care to hear your opinion about what I should or should not throw away, my perfume, my outfit, how high my heels are, or anything else. Wait, are we going out all of a sudden? Wait, did I say it was ok for you to chill in my apartment? Wait, did I ask you what the f*ck you think? Wait, do I want you at all or do I just want my apartment painted and my curtains hung and I'm being polite because you have a key? Oh and you didn't manage to get that lock changed or that other thing taken care of huh? Are my curtains hung yet? NOPE. How many visits does it require you to just caulk the damn baseboard? Every day, really? Uh...yeah. Beat it. Keep the key btw, it doesn't work anymore.
9) Moving companies. Of course, my contract says you have 12 days to deliver from the start of my lease. Of course, I agreed to this. But now you have my stuff, and you're charging me how much extra ($400) to deliver it 8 days after you're ready even though that's still less than 30 days of storage that is "included" but oh....that's only included in places where you have your own storage facility, which isn't Florida, got it. So I have to pay more for you to come when my building has an available moving in slot, after I told you a half dozen times I needed more notice than four days? And you have an attitude because I didn't pay $25k for a point to point delivery? Yes, I understand, you snotty little beeyatch.
For future reference don't use Oz Moving for a move outside of NYC. They have a scathing Yelp review coming to them after my stuff arrives. I should have known better. I really should be angry with myself for such a rookie move.
Wait, did I say moving companies already? My TV arrives in a short nine days. And I only have to pay an extra $400 to get it. Did it even cost that much?
10) North Shore Miami Beach Library. Whycome the librarian is the loudest person in the building? And why can't they build a new door when the library is closed (half the time)? And why on earth do they charge $100 for a library card? They don't got no damn books!
Ah man, it's good to be back in Miami. Stay tuned for an update on my first OKCupid excursion down at the bottom. No helicopter but it was still pretty trippy.
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